area51novel Chapter 44 Wan Jing's inner conflict: fear of being abandoned
Chapter 44 Wan Jing's inner conflict: fear of being abandoned
Chapter 44 Wan Jing's inner conflict: fear of being abandoned
I. Tears dried, but fear and worry arose in my heart.
Su Wanjing lay beside Chen Shanhe and cried for a long, long time until the violent trembling in her shoulders finally subsided.
But her unease did not lessen; instead, it surged higher and higher like a tide.
She still gripped Chen Shanhe's hand tightly, their fingers intertwined, her palms covered in cold sweat, damp and sticky.
Before the cloud of worry in her eyes had even dissipated, a deeper layer of fear and unease crept up.
That unease was like a very fine and sharp thorn, piercing the softest part of her heart, getting deeper and deeper, hurting more and more, making her timid and anxious, her whole body exuding a sense of helplessness and panic.
Her eyes were lowered, and long eyelashes still held wet tears, fluttering like startled butterflies.
She dared not look up, dared not meet Chen Shanhe's gaze. Her lips trembled slightly, and several times she wanted to say what was in her heart, but the words were swallowed back down.
Her face was streaked with tears, her eyelashes were wet and stuck to her eyes, and she looked pitiful, helpless and aggrieved.
The deepest, most unspoken, and most feared knot in my heart could no longer be suppressed or held back as the moment of parting drew ever closer, surging forth like a raging torrent.
She wasn't afraid of him suffering hardships outside.
I'm not afraid of the long and arduous wait.
I'm not afraid of being alone in an empty house.
There was only one thing that she feared most, dared not think about most, and that kept her up at night—
She feared that he would change his mind after seeing the world, that he would meet someone better and forget her, and that her sincere heart would be easily abandoned by him in the end, leaving her alone in Qinglong Town, guarding a hopeless love.
Poems as proof:
Tears ceased, voice stopped, but a sense of unease remained.
Holding hands tightly, my heart is filled with sorrow.
The truth is deeply hidden and difficult to express.
Only sorrow can break one's heart.
II. Choking back tears, I fear you will forget.
Su Wanjing slowly raised her tear-streaked face, her eyes still red and swollen, with glistening teardrops still clinging to the corners of her eyes.
Her voice trembled slightly, choked with lingering sobs, and every word she uttered was filled with grievance.
She looked up at Chen Shanhe, her eyes filled with grievance, fear, unease and helplessness.
After holding back for countless days and nights, at this moment, he could no longer contain himself and revealed the deepest, most painful, and most unspeakable concerns in his heart.
"Mountains and rivers..."
"It's not that I don't want you to take risks, it's not that I'm deliberately holding you back, and it's certainly not that I'm blocking your future..."
"I'm scared, I'm really scared..."
The more she spoke, the more her voice trembled, her eyes welled up, and another wave of tears began to well up, about to fall again.
"I'm afraid that once you get to the provincial capital, you'll see a lot of things, get used to the prosperity, and your horizons will broaden, and your ambitions will rise too."
"I'm afraid that if you meet a woman who is prettier, more capable, better at talking, and more sensible than me, you'll slowly drift away and forget about me."
"I'm afraid you'll forget the days we spent together in Qinglong Town, forget the whispers we shared, forget our feelings, and end up leaving me all alone here, never to look back..."
These words tormented her for countless days and nights.
I want to speak, but I dare not; I want to ask, but I dare not; I want to bring it up, but I'm afraid of appearing petty and ignorant.
I can only keep it to myself secretly, tormenting myself every night.
At this moment, my emotions surged completely, and I could no longer hold back. All my unease, fear, and grievances poured out in one go.
Poems as proof:
With a sob in his voice, he poured out his heart.
I fear that my heart will turn out differently in a foreign land.
Since my husband left,
The romantic relationship may be repaid by someone else.
Third, feelings of inferiority and shame in the countryside.
Su Wanjing slowly lowered her head, her gaze falling on her own hands.
The fingertips were rough, and the knuckles had thin calluses, all traces of daily washing, cooking, and farm work.
She came from an ordinary farming family with a modest background. She had little formal education, had never been to the city, and had never seen the world.
Dressed in coarse cloth, with a plain face, she exuded the simplicity of a country girl, lacking any of the glamour or elegance of a city woman.
In this small world of Qinglong Town, she felt that her life was stable and she was at peace.
But when she thought about the provincial capital that Chen Shanhe was going to, when she thought about those tall buildings and bright lights, when she thought about those brightly dressed and elegant women, she couldn't help but feel uneasy, flustered and inferior.
The more she compared herself to others, the more insignificant and ordinary she felt, lacking both talent and beauty, and coming from a humble family.
The man before me is a highly skilled doctor with lofty ambitions. He is destined to become famous and respected in the provincial capital.
But she herself was just a country girl stuck in her small town, stagnating in the same place.
Her voice grew softer and softer, almost inaudible, filled with deep self-reproach.
"I'm just a country girl, I have no looks, no skills, and no family background."
"You go out and make your way, you go higher and higher, you go further and further, while I'm still stuck in this small place."
"I'm afraid... I'm afraid I'm not good enough for you. I'm afraid that when you come back, your standards will be higher and your heart will be bigger, and you won't look down on me anymore."
This inferiority complex is not a fleeting thought, but a fear born from countless sleepless nights of tossing and turning.
She feared the gap between them would widen, that they would have fewer and fewer things in common, and that their past affection would not be able to withstand the temptations of the bustling world.
Poems as proof:
I feel ashamed of my rural origins.
I fear I am unworthy to have never experienced such splendor.
I fear that upon my return, your eyes will have changed.
We are now strangers.
IV. We pledge our hearts to the mountains and rivers and never fail them.
Hearing her bittersweet words, Chen Shanhe felt a sudden tightness in his heart, as if it had been gripped tightly by a hand, a mixture of sourness, pain, pity, and tenderness.
Little did he know that Wanjing harbored such deep grievances and fears.
Without saying a word, he immediately opened his arms and pulled Su Wanjing tightly into his embrace.
He held her so tightly, so securely, as if he wanted to protect her completely, to melt her into his very bones, and never let her suffer even the slightest fear again.
He held her slightly cool, trembling hands firmly in his own, their fingertips interlocked and their palms pressed together.
His eyes were incredibly serious, incredibly sincere, incredibly firm, without the slightest wavering or superficiality.
He gazed into her tear-reddened eyes, speaking each word with a steady and solemn voice, as if making a solemn vow to the heavens, each word resounding with conviction.
"Wanjing, don't worry!"
"I, Chen Shanhe, swear to Heaven today that in this life and the next, in my heart and in my eyes, I will only recognize you, Su Wanjing!"
"No matter how far I go, no matter how high I fly, no matter how prosperous the provincial capital, no matter how wonderful the woman I meet, my original intention will remain unchanged, and my feelings will never waver!"
"In this life, I will only marry you, only cherish you, only protect you, and never betray you! I will never forget you!"
The vows were resounding and heavy, landing firmly on Wan Jing's heart. They were full of responsibility, sincerity, and commitment.
Su Wan leaned quietly in his arms, listening to his firm promises. The turmoil in her heart finally subsided and eased a little.
The tears gradually stopped, and the panic slowly subsided.
But the anxiety and inferiority that were buried deep in his heart and arose from his ordinary background had not completely dissipated. They still lingered gently in his heart, turning into a long-lasting concern.
Poems as proof:
The vows made while tightly embracing each other are true.
I dedicate my life to the person before me.
Our original aspirations remain unchanged, and our feelings remain the same.
I will not betray my love, nor will I betray spring.